03 May 2012

The Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

1). Sometimes, I think this whole blogging/social media world is a crock of shit and I want nothing to do with it.

2). I have an inch-wide keloid scar on the center of my chest, right below my collar bone. Five years ago, it developed out of virtually nowhere, and after numerous tests ruling out skin cancer and other scary things, my dermatologist told me it will probably be there forever unless I pay thousands of dollars in laser treatments. I've already done two and they didn't seem to accomplish anything. I usually wear shirts that cover it, partly because it is sun-sensitive but mostly because I think it is ugly and I don't want people to stare at it. When I wear a lower-cut shirt, I cover the scar with a bandaid.

3). My biggest fear is infertility. I have no medical or biological reason to be concerned, but that doesn't prevent me from worrying about it. Last week, I thought I might be pregnant (we aren't trying) and although the timing isn't currently right for us, I secretly hoped the test would reveal a positive sign. It didn't, and while I felt relief, I also swallowed a feeling of disappointment and anxiety.

4). I struggle with body image. I quietly battled a brief eating disorder the summer before I left for college. I obsessively counted calories and monitored my weight gain/loss. At the time, I was five feet tall and 110 pounds.

5). I am the most sensitive person I know. When I think someone might be mad or upset with me, my face becomes very hot and I feel sick to my stomach. I hate confrontation and keep a lot of emotions inside. I spend significant time in self-reflection mode. Often, this results in my emotions boiling up until I break down.

6). I am not crafty or a D-I-Y-er. I'd rather buy it than make it.

7). I am bridled by heavy student loan debt  from graduate school. It stresses me out almost every single day.

8). I love my profession, but I worry that people don't respect me or my intelligence when they hear what I do, even though I hold it in such high regard.

9). I wish bloggers would talk more about "hot topics" like politics and religion because I think these subjects are both fascinating and revealing. It makes me sad that [bloggers] seemingly worry about losing readers or alienating and offending people instead of having honest and open discourse. And because I stand by what I just said, I identify as a very liberal democrat who believes in God but doesn't belong to any organized religion. Faith is an extremely personal thing for me and the only time I question it, is when others use it to judge or condemn.

10). I wish I didn't care what other people think of me, but I do. I'm a chronic "pleaser" and it can be exhausting.

11). To end on a lighter note, "stationery" refers to paper goods and "stationary" refers to remaining still or idle. "Sneak peak" is incorrect, as is the use of the word "pouring" when you utilize it in a phrase such as "pouring over a book." FYI: It's "peek" and "poring." Yes, I judge your grammar.

*I've had a half-written version of this post sitting in my draft folder for weeks. After reading the collection of "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" posts on several other blogs today, I finally felt brave enough to publish it.

39 comments:

  1. Wow, this inspires me to be brave as well! I share many of your sentiments/issues Kayla...thank you for sharing. xo

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    1. I love your list as well, Susan. Once those babies of yours come, we will get together in person again and chat about it over lunch.

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  2. Thanks for facing your fears and opening up to all of us. I think of this type of honesty as a cold shower - it sucks in the moment, but afterwards it leaves one refreshed to the core.

    xo

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    1. I miss you :(

      I wish we could be back at Alex's restaurant in Hayes Valley, drinking wine and eating sushi and talking about life.

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    2. OOOH I know it, lady. Me too.

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  3. When you brave out and state your fears you realize how much common they are in other people! I can identify with at least half of yours and that already makes me feel a tad better. Thanks for being so inspirational!

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    1. That's what a I love about this Maya. It was so scary to publish it but I know in the long run, we're all harboring similar fears and dealing with variances of "life's stuff."

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  4. Good for you for opening up and being honest with your feelings, Kayla. Very inspiring.

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  5. I loved reading through this. I often forget that bloggers are human too and that they have things that they are afraid to say. You should make this a monthly thing (maybe I should too!)

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    1. Kae, once I wrote it, I thought of like, 100 other things. It's so funny how much we don't share on our blogs, and I actually tend to think I'm pretty honest & transparent here. So, maybe I will!

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  6. Wow. Reading a lot of this post feels like looking in the mirror. (i.e. Number 4, 5, 8, 10, and 11.)

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    1. I'm so glad...I like that these sort of posts make us more cognizant of how alike we all really are. It's comforting.

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  7. Thank you for sharing- I share some of the same things as you- including number 10. In fact my mom and I have a new motto thanks to one of my favorite shows, Cougar Town. We say we need to "be Ellie", who is always telling her friend Jules not to to be such a people pleaser all the time!

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    1. Oh man, it is SO hard to do things that may not result approval. But I hate feeling trapped by that, so I'm working on it.

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  8. Okay, I can relate to SO much of this. SO much.

    I think this has been my favorite day in the blogosphere.

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    1. Mine too, Nichole. I loved your list.

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  9. AHHH YES STATIONERY/STATIONARY!!!

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    1. Seriously, it's one of my biggest pet peeves.

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  10. I love this. Like seriously love it. I can relate to so much of what you've written here, Kayla. The stress of financial worry, the body image, the bottling things up and boiling over, being a people pleaser. Oh my!

    I've had a shitty week. Maybe writing a post like this will help get some things off my chest? Is it what people are doing today?

    I'm sending you a huge hug and a great big high five, Kayla. I wish we could go out for tea and chat about all of this and more...
    xo

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    1. Me too, Erin. I read yours on the train this AM and will comment later. Feels good, right?

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  11. I really enjoyed your post and I could definitely relate, especially with the student debts, its a constant cloud over my head too, though there isn't really much I can do towards it at the moment.

    Thank you for sharing x

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    1. Yes, there are some things I wish I knew at 21 that I know now and I would have made very different decisions. Such is life, I suppose! Trust that it will work out. That's all I can do.

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  12. I can so relate to these! Especially loving 3, 9 and 11. So glad to find your blog!

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    1. Yours too, Emily! I am working my way through reading all of the linked participants. It's been wonderful to feel such camaraderie.

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  13. Like most of the other comments you've received, I love this posts! I'm a teacher of young learners too, so I totally identify with #8. And I'm completely with you on #9 too!

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    1. Right? There's such a fear. I think our fears of offending others completely override our honesty. It's ridiculous.

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  14. You're awesome for doing this! I'm a long time creeper, first time commenter, and I have to say that this post made me like you even more! It's so nice to read something real (even though I love seeing your pictures!). Also, I think your job sounds amazing! There is nothing more joyful or inspiring than working with children.

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    1. Thank you for de-lurking, Samantha! And yes, working with the little ones is so rewarding.

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  15. #2 is scary but it's good to know you're aware and careful. I'm allergic to the cold so I often have to wear scarves because even a cold breeze can make my skin break out into hives.

    Thank you for being so open with us all :)

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    1. And thank YOU for being so supportive :)

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  16. Your blog is lovely, just lovely. It's on my short list of "Daily Reads", and I know that whenever I read your latest post ~ and see your pictures....your photography is exquisite ~ I will come away feeling a sense of calm and appreciation....it never fails! As for today's post, I agree with #1 (SM intimidates, fascinates and infuriates me all at once) and am right on the same page with you regarding #9.

    Wishing you a splendid weekend!

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, Kat. I'm glad that's how you come away feeling after reading my blog!

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  17. So proud of you Kayla. Only love for you, my friend. :) xo

    (And P.S. I really hope I haven't messed up any grammatical errors that you may have seen. ha!)

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  18. 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 11 are all true for me. so basically we are the same person. minus a scar and a craft project. feeling like i should really do a list of my own. the idea of my dad reading it tho makes me so much less likely to actually post it. your courage is inspiring, per usual. xo.

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    1. Ah, I'm not surprised that we're like two peas in a pod. I also struggled before publishing, knowing that family and a wide range of acquaintances and friends would be reading. It's always tricky to assess how much is too much.

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  19. I don't know if it's possible to really, truly adore someone you've never actually met, but you are proof positive that at least I can.

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    1. Thank you, my sweet friend. The feeling is entirely, entirely mutual.

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Your thoughts always bring a smile to my face. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave them.